Spring is here (already!) and man is it a beautiful thing! I am so enjoying being back in a place where I have a sense of balance in my day-to-day. I have created more time to dig into the things that matter to me the most- my family, my coaching, exploring my aliveness and my self-care.
Looking back a few years, though, I can hardly believe how things have changed. My daughter was out. of. control. She would get sent into fight or flight at the drop of a hat, and then have these never-ending tantrums where I was worried she was going to hurt herself or somebody else.
It was so difficult in those moments to keep my cool- to ‘manage’ the situation in a way that felt tactful and effective. It was taking its toll on my physical and emotional health and I couldn’t see a way out.
The crazy thing, though, is that the answer didn’t come the way I expected.
We have now found reasonable balance with my daughter and life around here is MUCH easier to handle, but it’s taken us years to get here. And lucky for me, my own well-being didn’t have to wait that long.
My happiness, my contentment and well-being… well, that happened first! (Yes, while my daughter was continuing to emotionally fall apart daily.) Or at least it started first.
In the midst of the chaos, I set a path and started. I claimed more time/space/money for myself to do the things that make me feel alive. I gave myself permission to take the time (and ask for help) so I could dig deep into treatment options for my little lady.
I gave myself permission to do things just for fun.
And I changed my parenting technique to be primarily focused on creating a super strong connection to both of my daughters. It’s crazy how aiming for being in perfect rapport with your child when they are at their worst allows the situation to evolve. I gave hugs and said ‘I love you’ when I could have easily yelled ‘stop it!’ I tuned into my body and imagined a cord between us, sending her all the loving, calming energy I could muster. I gave her words when she couldn’t find them.
And in return? She felt heard, understood, and my own emotions simply weren’t triggered the same. The energy balanced out, and everybody felt good when it was said and done (unlike punishment methods which often breed resentment and distrust).
I finally started to see results with my daughter, and it wasn’t because I had found a magic pill or the perfect gut diet. I did the personal work, and as hard as this is to explain to people sometimes, that made all the difference.
You see, we bring way more to relationships than we can see. When we see our side of a situation through the lens of our ‘story’, we simply think things are fact. But, in reality, they are much more malleable than that. When we change who we are in that relationship, when we change who we are at our core, we fundamentally change the relationship. Others can rise to the occasion and be better versions of themselves, too! (A rising tide lifts all boats.)
We often assume that once we… then we get to…, but often this is a faulty formula! We shouldn’t have to wait for everything to fall in line to simply be well taken care of and joyful. Everybody deserves proper self-care and the space to experience joy, even amidst the messiness of life!
So the question is, where can you show yourself a little more love? Give yourself a little more time? Allow yourself to feel more alive?
And the rest of your problems? Well, they may or may not get ‘fixed’ or disappear- at least not immediately- but I can guarantee you will be much more ready to handle them with grace and gumption.